Becoming…Different.
On Sunday I wrote: I am the same… but changed.
That very day, I was tested.
Something from my past resurfaced. The enemy has a way of trying to pull us back into shame… into fear… into offense.
About half an hour after posting, I received a call from someone from a church I grew up in; the same church where I was rebaptized. There was an urgency in their tone that I didn’t quite share, but I listened.
“There is a picture on your Facebook that needs to come down; not even you would want to see this picture.”
During the conversation, I felt… indifferent at first, but then, a spirit of offense tried to settle in. It was familiar, because for me, church has often felt like a place where people gossip, where faith and personal journeys are micromanaged; rarely coming across as encouragement.
But I’ve come to see things differently.
I take joy in my journey because I know where I was and it’s a blessing to live it out openly, for others to see, whether they believe in the Most High or not. My past holds decisions I wouldn’t make today, yes… but everything we do carries consequence. And still, Elohim doesn’t meet us in perfection. He meets us in the pit, in the slums of our lives, and begins the work of transforming us, faithfully continuing that good work in us.
“being persuaded of this, that He who has begun a good work in you shall perfect it until the day of יהושע Messiah.”
Still, what I am assured of is this: though there may be consequences, there is no shame and no guilt.
My Elohim reminds me:
Midweek, I want to sit a little longer with the other side of being the same… but changed. To lean into what it looks like when you are becoming… different. Because becoming different isn’t always loud. Sometimes, the change that comes from an encounter with YAH is quiet… gradual… almost unnoticeable at first. But give it time, its weight shows up.
It doesn’t always look dramatic, not for everyone. Yet somehow, it begins to shift what you once called peace; what you once called comfort.
You start to notice it in small ways:
In conversations that no longer feel as easy to hold.
In environments that don’t sit the same in your spirit.
In habits you once defended without question.
Even in things you once accepted as… truth.
What I can say is this YAH didn’t meet me in perfection. He met me low. Low in health, low in mindset. I was consumed with self; doing what pleased me, what drew attention to me, and I can acknowledge that without living there. I don’t dwell in that place, even though that’s exactly where the enemy would prefer me to stay; replaying my past, rehearsing shame, keeping doors open that pull me back into myself instead of forward into where I’m actually called to be… and that calling isn’t necessarily a location.
I’ve even tried to prepare myself for the resurfacing: the pictures, the videos, the conversations; because the truth is, I took them. I posted them. They exist. And I could say something cliché like, “those things don’t define me” lol… and they really don’t.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Messiah, he is a renewed creature – the old matters have passed away, see, all matters have become renewed!”
My greatest temptation in the moments of becoming was to ask:
Am I being extreme?
Am I overthinking this?
Why can’t I just be who I was before?
Because if I’m honest, a lot of my early “change” was rigid; rooted in fear. And the enemy used that; kept that door open to control my mind. It showed up in my choices. I convinced myself it was Elohim leading me, even when there was nothing scriptural to support it and if I’m being real, it didn’t even reflect His character.
But change still came.
And it still comes.
With it, there will be the constant pull to revisit spaces that once felt comfortable, only to realize they don’t fit the same anymore.
While becoming, you will come face to face with your old self… often. Your past will resurface, sometimes even in places that were meant to feel safe, just to remind you true safety was never in those spaces to begin with.
It has always been in YAH.
And in obedience to His Word.
