I Am the Same… But changed
Re-Rooted: When “Normal” No Longer Fits
My transformation, while it was happening, was terrifying.
Years before, I had heard of similar experiences; my sister’s, as she earnestly sought the truth… and, in fragments, my late father’s, who went through a radical awakening before becoming Christian. So, while I tried to brace myself for change, I still wasn’t ready for what actually unfolded.
The feelings were unfamiliar, yet strangely familiar; echoes of things I had already heard, things I had witnessed over the years. Those moments, I’ll share in more detail another time.
My thoughts, my reactions to everything around me stopped making sense. The changes were happening so quickly that I felt isolated inside of them. What made it even more unsettling was that just weeks before, I felt “normal.” I couldn’t remember melodies I once loved… and even when bits and peices resurfaced, something about how I felt while hearing them had shifted. Conversations that once flowed with ease suddenly felt strained. Even opening my closet became difficult; not just choosing what to wear, but facing what once felt like… me.
I felt lost.
I struggled deeply, trying to understand what was happening. I had very few; two, to be exact—people around me who helped soften the weight of it. They had gone through something similar, and they held my hand through it. Still, there was a part of my experience that felt more intense… like what I was facing went beyond what I heard in their stories.
I go into greater detail in my book, but this wasn’t about waking up one day feeling older or suddenly “different.” This was a spiritual shift, one that felt providential. Intentional. Urgent.
After clearing out two-thirds of my closet, wiping my phone, changing what I read and what I listened to… even confronting my own thoughts, I began to understand something: these events may not have been so random. It was Elohim showing me that change isn’t inevitable; it is only possible with Him. The kind of change I was going through, anyway.
This wasn’t a New Year’s resolution. It wasn’t something I had carefully planned. I mean, I would casually think about the things that weren’t right; my mindset, my choices, the things that felt comfortable but, deep down, weren’t. The thoughts seemed small, almost passing… but He knew my heart. I was sincere, even in my silence.
“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. ”
While I tried to understand what was happening, there was an obvious battle for my mind. It felt as though a superior force was working through me, while opposing forces pressed in from every side.
Most nights, I prayed fervently, often in tears; reading Scripture, asking Elohim to be with me. I was so scared… but He held my hand through it all, and more than anything, He covered me. He placed words in my mouth when I didn’t even know what to pray, and spoke to me directly through Scripture.
The entire experience felt supernatural and through it all; the veils being removed, the discomfort, the deliverance: came wisdom, understanding, discernment.
Rewritten Identity
The identities we take on often dictate our habits. Our habits shape our circumstances and our circumstances influence the experiences we have; even the people we attract. Much of this comes down to what we choose… and what we allow.
This may sound heavy but maybe it only feels that way because it’s rarely examined.
For years, my girlfriends and I would sit and talk about the men we found ourselves with. There was always a pattern; like dating the same person with a different name. We often joked about it. Debated it. Analyzed it from the outside. But in solitude, when I finally looked honestly at my own life, I began to see patterns within myself.
The way I dressed.
What I presented.
The conversations I allowed; not always through engagement, but through what I made accessible.
There is no shame in acknowledging this. I’m not here to condemn, I’m here to plant a seed.
If we put ourselves out into the world to attract based on lust, should we be surprised when people don’t meet us beyond it?
If we present ourselves as driven only by career or finances, will we possibly attract those who see us only for what we can provide?
Usually hen we can no longer offer what we first introduced ourselves as, that’s when we begin to see what was truly valued.
I reached a point where I could no longer be an object of lust or desire. It didn’t sit right with me anymore. I began to recognize how often I bent my own standards, how few boundaries I had set, not because I didn’t know better, but because my convictions weren’t strong. So much of the discomfort I walked through came from that—conviction. The more I read the Word, the more I felt it and there was no one sitting with me, teaching me, walking me through “bible study”. This was one-on-one with Yah’s Holy Spirit. He took me line by line, precept by precept, through His Word; and through what He wanted for me.
What I once saw as freedom began to look like bondage. I started to see how I exuded lust and almost instantly, my desires began to change. That shift wasn’t slow or subtle… it hit deeply. But even that realization was only a fragment of a much bigger picture…a much deeper awakening.
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
I wasn’t afraid of losing myself, because a part of who I was had always been shaped by my limitations and my distance from Elohim. I took on the behaviors of the music I listened to… the celebrities I admired… the shows I consumed… all of it.
And while my personality, my humor, my wit, my love for reading—remains, I can say this truthfully: I am the same woman… but I am changed.
And because I am changed, I am different.
My identity has been re-rooted, and what once felt “normal” no longer aligns with who Elohim has shaped me to be.
What no longer feels comfortable—but once felt normal?
Who might you become if your identity shifted before your habits did?
Are you resisting change… or transformation?
