Unbecoming Before Becoming
What humbled me most was realizing how quickly life can dismantle the identities we spend years building. One moment, I was functioning independently; making plans, maintaining routines, carrying responsibilities, and the next, I could barely carry myself. Everything I once used to measure stability suddenly became fragile.
I was not only grieving people, places, or routines. I was grieving the illusion of control; grieving the belief that if I worked hard enough, disciplined myself enough, loved people well enough, or stayed “strong” enough, I could somehow secure my own peace.
But, YAH was teaching me that peace was never meant to be sustained by performance. It was meant to be found in dependence on Him.
There is something deeply exposing about needing help in areas where you once prided yourself on being capable. It forces you to confront how much of your identity was rooted in usefulness, productivity, or appearing composed. When those things are stripped away, you are left face to face with who you are beneath achievement and survival and that encounter can feel terrifying.
Because when YAH begins undoing false foundations, it feels like being emptied. Like being hidden and disconnected from the life you once knew while everyone else continues moving forward around you.
There were moments I wondered if I would ever feel normal again.
Moments I questioned whether I would ever regain the strength, clarity, or confidence I once carried so effortlessly. But healing was not only happening in my body. YAH was reconstructing my inner life: How to receive care without shame, how to sit still without panicking and how to trust Him even when I could not trace where He was leading me.
I began to realize that this breaking, was evidence that YAH was confronting everything that was slowly destroying me beneath the surface.
Looking back now, I understand that YAH was not trying to destroy me; He was dismantling every false refuge I had mistaken for security. He was teaching me that identity rooted in self will always collapse under pressure, but identity rooted in Him can survive even the most disorienting seasons. What felt like losing myself was the beginning of finally finding who I was beneath fear, performance, pride, and survival. And though weakness once felt humiliating to me, I now see that it became the very place where the power and nearness of Elohim met me most deeply:
“And He said to me, “My favour is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, then, I shall rather boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Messiah rests on me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in insults, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for the sake of Messiah. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
